In the process of trying to find a new direction, for my life, my writing, maybe even how to live out my faith, I’ve backed away from some things. Faith By Choice was one of them. But, you know what? Here I am again, rambling about faith and choices and the God that loves us more than we can ever imagine.
I’ve spent a lot of the last month attending online training webinars on writing and marketing and things I sat and just shook my head at. Is that really me?
One webinar last week got me really excited. It was practical. It had veins of spirituality running through it. It required choices to move forward. It said nothing about praying about the choices, but I believed it was put in front of me for a reason. I ultimately made choices and began a new direction.
And then the Lord reminded me that I had made all those choices according to what I felt was right for me, what I believed was the best course of action, jumping right ahead without waiting on confirmation from Him.
I was reminded of some of the guidelines I learned to use in making choices. Did my choice line up with the Word? Was it lining up with His character? Was there peace in moving in the direction I wanted to go?
Okay. So, there was some of that in some of my choices. But I know that only because I looked after the fact, hoping that I wasn’t totally off track. Which is a testimony to God’s grace and mercy. He keeps me grounded enough to not get crazy wild, but still, the process is equally as important as making the choice and there was a flavor of “I’ll do this to keep Him happy and I still get what I want” in the decisions I had made.
I knew, but wouldn’t acknowledge, that there was no peace. I sat for four days staring at my new websites. Two of them. One business, one personal. Playing around with the design, killing time. Trying to determine what to write, how to “work” the plan.
No peace. None.
So I offered my apologies and got away from the computer, and the television, and the radio and waited on God. I prayed for every person on my prayer list, I prayed for the nation and for whatever came to mind to pray. I sat and waited for that still small voice to offer me a breadcrumb. Nothing. So I went back to the computer and sat and stared. I was frustrated. I was ready to quit. That old nature was moving dangerously close to a rebellious tantrum.
I turned on the television and a preacher I like came on. So I listened. Oooohhh. The lesson was on making sure we were lined up with God. So after it was finished I turned it off and picked up the Bible and was led to start reading Provers. Wisdom.
So I read, and prayed, and stayed away from the websites and this morning I just wanted quiet. I sat by the open window and listened to the birds and had my morning conversation with my Father. And then I read some more in Proverbs. It was not like I’d never read it before, but it was blowing me away. Not because I felt any wiser, but because it was clearly defining, in just the first two chapters, how wretched the world can become without wisdom, and how pursuing wisdom is our way to security. Funny thing, I wasn’t even concerned about my writing or my websites or my attempts to continue my working from home.
I turned on the television and went to my Roku menu, looking for one specific teaching pastor I always gained insight from. I found him and started to listen to a sermon from the first of the year. I didn’t know what he was about to share.
It was about finding God’s will for your life. Finding God’s direction, and the ways to do so.
I had to laugh. God was definitely telling me something, even if the venue wasn’t that still small voice. For the next hour, I listened to familiar scriptures, and the importance of seeking God, and the fact that the “way” of the journey is more important than the destination.
Then I came to the computer and pulled up both of my websites. “Okay, Lord, you know I just want to be pleasing to you, so whatever you say, I’m in.”
And, here I am. This site that was retired, now active again. The other sites, still active as well. The choices I made were not bad ones, but I had left something very important out. In making my decisions, I made them on who and what I thought I was according to worldly definitions. Sometimes we label ourselves according to those definitions, and we might not be far off in our estimations, but they are weak, without substance without God as our foundation.
And as I sit here and ramble on about decisions and the journey to them and away from them, there is peace. A reminder from my Lord that Faith is by Choice, not always easy, but without regret.
Blessings – Vicki